Relationship Dynamics – How to get the relationship you want

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“Every person, all the events of your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.” ~ Richard Bach.

The term “dynamics of a relationship” refers to the rules that guide interaction of the two people in the relationship. It includes how they interact with each, how they treat each other, and the level of respect they display for each other. Every relationship has a unique relationship dynamic – from your relationship with your hairdresser to your relationship with your spouse.

Unique to each relationship

If you have five friends, you will interact with each of them differently. You might be more familiar with one, more careful with another and more respectful with yet a third. You might feel free to call one after midnight but would never dare to call another at that hour.

Who determines the relationship dynamic?

Relationship dynamics are influenced by many factors but it is the two people involved who clearly determine these dynamics.  And they start setting these dynamics almost from the first hello. Sometimes even before the first hello. For instance, a woman calling a man for a first date might find him not accepting of her initiative. He may turn her down and then later call her to invite her on a date. He is setting a dynamic of him being the initiator.

The dynamic in its simplest form is a determination of what is considered acceptable behaviour by each person in response to the other.

Rules of the relationship

Relationship dynamics are akin to the rules of the relationship – the rules that guide how the two persons treat each other and interact with each. It is rules that are laid down as to what is and what is not acceptable behavior to the two people in the relationship. It is fluid and will change as time goes on and the two persons change.

How Relationship Rules Develop

Most people never think of a relationship in terms of a negotiating process but essentially that is what obtains. Relationship rules begin to be hammered out from the first interaction. One person does something and the other person responds either positively or negatively to that action.

Example – The First Date

As an example, lets consider a first date. At the entrance to the restaurant, the lady pauses and waits for her date to open the door for her. She is sending a message that she expects her date to be a gentleman. She will also pause at the chair for him to pull it out for her. Again, she is displaying a certain behavior and her date will respond. He has a variety of responses available to him, which will depend on whether he thinks her behavior is acceptable. If he does, he will act the gentleman and open the door for her and also graciously seat her. If he does not like her behavior, he will open the door and breeze through himself, leaving her to fend for herself.

Similarly, she now has the opportunity to respond to his behavior. If he has agreed with her behavior, then a relationship dynamic has been set that he will behave gentlemanly to her. If he has not then she has choices. She can decide that she does not wish to go on any further dates with him or, she can decide to stick around and see if she can persuade him to be a gentleman or, she can just accept that he is not a gentleman but still continue to date him.

This process is, in its most basic sense, a displaying of behavior and an accepting, rejecting or neutral response to that behavior. However, it is important to note that it sets the rules of interaction for the relationship. In our example, either he will act the gentleman or he will not. It depends on this initial interaction. Of course, relationship rules can and do change but the first setting of the rule is the strongest.

For any given behavior one person displays there is a whole spectrum of possible responses the other person can have. This can range from full agreement to complete rejection. In response to a behavior that is considered unacceptable, a person may show any response from mild distaste to extreme displeasure which might be ending the relationship.

An Example – the Expression of Anger

In every romantic relationship, there comes a first time when one party becomes angry with the other. Anger is a natural and normal emotion. There are however various ways in which anger can be expressed. If the woman’s way of expressing anger is to raise her voice and be insulting, the man’s response determines how her “expression of anger dynamic” will be set for the relationship. If his response is to engage her in argument in her agitated state then he has displayed an accepting response and she will continue to express her anger in this fashion for the duration of the relationship until his response changes.

Conversely, if his response is to remove himself from her company and advise her that he is willing to discuss the matter with her when she feels calmer, then his response is not an accepting one and she will either learn a more rational “expression of anger” dynamic or if she is not prepared to do that then she will quit the relationship.

People often are unaware that they are setting relationship dynamics at the start of a relationship. You are basically telling the other person how you expect to be treated and what sort of behavior you will accept.

An Example – The Battered Wife

Another powerful example is that of the battered wife. How do battered wives become battered wives? There are many factors involved but it remains that there was a first time that the husband raised his hand and hit his wife. The wife then had to make a response to this assault. In the simplest terms, either she stayed or she did not. Either she sent a clear message that such behavior is not acceptable or she did not.

No doubt there would be many things influencing her response but that is not the topic of this article. The fact that she has become a battered wife means that she chose to stay and thus sent the message that she was accepting of her husband hitting her. The very first time he hit her, by her response, she set the dynamic for his violence against her.

While she certainly is not responsible for his behavior, she is certainly accepting of it by her response to his behavior.

“The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships.” ~ Anthony Robbins.

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Related Articles:

• Leading a Deliberate Conscious Life
• How to choose your perfect mate, spouse or life partner
• How to choose your perfect mate, spouse or life partner – II
• How to choose your perfect mate, spouse or life partner III: Take your time

 

Posted in Choices, Goals, Relationships |   2 Comments »

This entry was posted on Thursday, November 23rd, 2006 at 8:10 am and is filed under Choices, Goals, Relationships . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.