How to choose your perfect mate, spouse or life partner III: Take your time
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.“Dating should be less about matching outward circumstances than meeting your inner necessity.”
“Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.” ~ Lao Tzu.
At this stage you have already determined which attributes your perfect mate must possess. You have separated these attributes into essential must-have and optional nice-to-have categories. So how do you go about using this knowledge to help you choose the perfect partner for you?
Take your time to get to know the person
There are a few known cases of successful marriages which sprang from people meeting and marrying within a very short time period. However, the average couple that rushes too quickly into marriage find themselves in a deep state of incompatibility and unhappiness.
I advise that you take your time to get to know the person before making such an important permanent commitment. After all, you will be married for a lifetime so it is well worth taking a few months or years to feel comfortable that this is the person for you.
Figure out if the person has the necessary characteristics
This time is needed to determine if the person has the characteristics that you require. How will you know? If one of your most important requirements is honesty, how will you know if your date is an honest person? Can you just ask them? 
Of course not. You need to take the time to get to know the person.
The only way you will get to know the person is by experiencing how they respond in different circumstances, listening to their views on life, watching how they treat their other friends, their family, their co-workers, strangers, waiters and other service people.
Evaluation of a simple movie can generate lots of information on how a person views the world and life. If your date thinks the main character, whose purpose in life was to help others is an idiot and is wasting her time, then you know that your date has a more self-oriented perspective and does not support altruism. This provides the opportunity for you to explore the reasons why. It may be that your date holds this view as a result of a negative experience of attempting to be altruistic or perhaps he is just fundamentally selfish.
The importance of Dating
The dating period is an information-gathering period. This is when you get to figure out what this person is really about, what is important to them, and what their morals and world views are. This is the time when you figure out if they do in fact have the characteristics that you require.
This is what takes time. It cannot be rushed. Even if you spend 24 hours with a person, you cannot figure out what drives them and all that is important to them and what characteristics they possess in that short time. Even people who have spent years with someone can be surprised to learn of their view on something. This is because people are not always straightforward. It would be wonderful if we could just ask the person if they have the requisite characteristics and rely on their answer. However for various reasons people do not always give a frank answer.
In the early dating stages most people try to ‘put their best foot forward’; to emphasize their most positive attributes and downplay their negative ones. This is fair and reasonable because otherwise no one would be attracted to any one. Can you imagine on the first date, the guy openly blurting out that he is a lazy bum most of the time and spends most of his time watching TV and pigging out on pizza? Would you really want a second date after that? Rather on the first date, he will share the information that he graduated at the top of his class and he volunteers for Habitat for Humanity – his most positive attributes.
The negative characteristics are only revealed later on once you are already attracted to him. This is why it takes time to determine most of your date’s characteristics and the process ought not to be rushed. It is a slow revelation of the self.
Using your list of characteristics
So you have been dating the same person for some time and have a fairly good idea of his or her main characteristics. How do you use your list of necessary characteristics to determine if this is the perfect mate for you?
Respecting your most essential needs
In terms of your essential characteristics, I would advise that as a minimum your potential mate should have those characteristics that are ranked in your top three, because these are the most important for you. If honesty is number one you will never be able to make a successfully happy life with someone who is fundamentally dishonest, no matter how many of the other characteristics she might have. No matter that you might have developed strong feelings of love for this person, you will be courting lifelong unhappiness if you choose this person for your mate.
Be flexible
On the opposite end of the spectrum do not be too rigid. If the person does fulfill your most important requirements, but does not fulfill many of the others, do not automatically reject them as a potential mate. It is unlikely that you will find a person who right up front fulfills absolutely all of your needs. No one is perfect. Or even perfect for you.
What you need to consider carefully is how happy you can be with this person given the percentage of your requirements they do possess. If they possess 5 out of your 8 essentials and 7 out of your 10 optionals, these are good odds and you need to consider carefully if you can comfortably live without the missing essential characteristics. Also consider if the person has the potential to develop the missing essential characteristics. If they do, and you are in love then start ringing those wedding bells – you’ve got a winner
Consider your partner’s needs
Of course the flip side of this is whether you have the characteristics necessary to fulfill your potential partner’s needs. If you do not and do not have the potential to develop those characteristics, then no matter how perfect a mate he might seem for you, you will still have end up in a dissatisfying marriage.
Of course all of this sounds very clinical, however there are many emotions involved and it is not always easy to be objective. It is important to remember that being in love is not always enough for success – there are many broken marriages to testify to this. Most of these couples started out happy, in love and excited about their future – certain that they would grow old together. So even though you are in love, it is also important to try to be objective.
Seek the advice of friends and family
Listen to the opinions of friends and family. You need not follow their advice but consider how they feel about your compatibility with this person. They know you very well and without the sometimes irrational feelings of love and passion to blind them, they might be able to more accurately access your compatibility levels. Consider if there is merit to their views, especially if they hold an opposite view to you.
Dynamics of your relationship
Apart from the characteristics of the two people involved, the other essential element that informs the success or failure of a long-term relationship is the actual interaction of the two individuals. The dynamics of the relationship is something that starts developing from the first hello.
I will write another article on this topic but for now, it is important to note how you interact together. This is something that develops as the relationship progresses and that is equally determined by both parties. It involves how you treat each other, the level of respect you display for each other, how you handle disagreements, how you handle negative feelings for each other, and how you support each other’s goals. This is a very involved area and really determines the success of a relationship. No matter how compatible you might be, if the relationship dynamics are negative, you will be doomed to failure.
The plus side is that relationship dynamics can be learnt and even re-engineered if necessary. Personal characteristics cannot always be developed so it is essential that you take your time to choose a person who is right for you in order to give yourselves the best opportunity for a successful satisfying long-term relationship.
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