How to choose your perfect mate, spouse or life partner – II
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Now that you have identified all the characteristics which you would like your ideal mate to have, you need to determine which of these your perfect mate must have and which are optional.
Consider each attribute that you have identified and place it into either the Essential category or the Optional category.
In order to determine if an attribute is essential or optional, there are a couple techniques you can use. Firstly, imagine yourself in a relationship with someone who does not possess that attribute. How would you feel? Would you feel constantly frustrated and annoyed? Or would you be mildly irritated now and then? Would you not even notice the absence of this characteristic past the initial stage? Obviously if you imagine yourself feeling constantly irritated, then this attribute is absolutely essential for your ideal mate to possess.
Your needs and your perfect mate
Each attribute that your perfect mate has fulfills a need that you have. If your ideal mate must be a good conversationalist, then you have a need for good conversation. When considering these attributes you must determine if each one fulfills a need that can harmlessly and legitimately be fulfilled by a platonic friend or family member. This can be a tricky area. And it depends on the attribute itself and on how strong your need is for that particular attribute.
You will realize that in order to identify which characteristics your ideal mate should have, you also need to be clear on what your needs are. The two go hand in hand.
Monogamous needs and your perfect mate
Some needs are designed to be fulfilled only within the context of your romantic relationship. The immediate one that comes to mind is Sex. Once you enter into a committed monogamous relationship you have both agreed that you will have only each other to fulfill your need for Sex. In this case it is essentially important that your partner has the attribute necessary to fulfill your need for sex. If sex is of great importance to you then your partner must have the attribute that will enable him or her to fulfill this need, as it cannot be fulfilled elsewhere.
Platonic needs and your perfect mate
However some needs can be legitimately fulfilled by others, such as the need for good conversation. In this case your ideal mate may not need to be an excellent conversationalist. Please note however that your ideal mate ought not to be a poor conversationalist.
If a need is really important to you, then your partner must be at least average in the ability to fulfill that need. You enjoy and fall in love with the person who fulfills your needs best – and your mate should strive to be that person. Therefore if your need is good conversation, even though it can be fulfilled outside the boundaries of the relationship, if your partner only utters monosyllables and has zero interest in debating or learning to be a better conversationalist, you will be setting yourself up for a troubled relationship.
Physical Appearance
The attribute of physical attractiveness is a peculiar category. Finding your partner pleasing to look at may be important to you and if your ideal mate cannot fulfill your particular requirements for being physically desirable, it is likely to cause problems in the future when you will be drawn to others who are physically desirable to you.
One word of caution – do not confuse the need for proper grooming, hygiene and self-care with the need for physical attractiveness.
Just about anyone can be well groomed, practice proper hygiene and take good care of their health and appearance. Physical appearance is more a matter of the physical attributes that you were born with, such as eye color, hair color, height, facial features, and frame size.
You will also recognize that some of these characteristics can be adjusted reasonably easily by the wonders of science. A brunette can become a blond in a matter of an hour. Eye color can be temporarily changed in the matter of seconds. Thus, I would advise that you maintain these sorts of changeable physical attributes in the optional category. However if you do not believe that you could ever find a short man sexually desirable, then the attribute of tallness should be in your essential category.
Flexibility
When distinguishing the characteristics of your ideal mate into essential and optional categories, please note those characteristics on which you can be flexible. Some characteristics can be learnt. If a potential mate does not have the characteristic you require, he or she ought to at least have the aptitude to develop it if it is a learnable characteristic.
Affection is a good example of such a learnable attribute. Many men are not naturally affectionate but can and will learn to be affectionate if it is important to their mates. Conversely there are some characteristics and values which are less flexible, such as sexuality and integrity.
Separating your essential requirements from the optional ones
It bears repeating that the best way to determine how important an attribute is to you is to imagine yourself in a relationship with someone who does not possess that characteristic and measure your reaction. High frustration levels indicate high importance and that attribute should be considered as essential.
In order to get the clearest picture of which attributes your ideal mate must have, it may help to rank the attributes you have identified in order of importance to you.Â
In the next article we will discuss how to use these two categories when evaluating potential mates.
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9 Comments »
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November 15th, 2007 at 8:51 am
I am a young girl in my middle twenties. I am kind of facing some challenges about marriage. My mother wants me to get marry as early as possible. Mostly to a guy I brought, though I brought the guy home to show them but now and kind of confused. I am not sure am in love with in him anymore. My mother said maybe because we have been dating for almost two years then that is why I am fed up of the relationship. I have sat myself down several times to understand why I don’t love him anymore but I can’t just say. Though he is a nice and caring guy but he gets angry easily, mostly he doesn’t take to my advice, we really don’t have conversation together, he wants to be around me all the time and he English is poor.
I just meet a guy, though we have been friends for some years now but not too close. I fall in love with him.
The question is it the new guy that made me realize I don’t love this guy or is it natural. I am confused, my mother wants me to get marry to the 1st guy next year. But I really don’t want to but she never allows me rest in the house to the existence of her calling the other not to ruin her daughter’s life.
Please I need a motherly advice do I go on with the wedding or what?
Thank you,
ADeola
December 1st, 2007 at 2:30 pm
no you should not get married!
you are young…you need to date and see what type of guy you can and cannot work with…
your mother probably does not understand the concept of dating in the modern age…
December 14th, 2007 at 7:58 am
Dear, Adeola all we need in life is happiness and if u think u don’t love this guy
don’t go for him.
the fact is, ur mother don’t knw what caused ur for that guy to decrease actually finish so, just follow ur heart bcoz it’s ur life.
always love is like a flower of which if it doesn’t get water it drys so , according to ma own analysis the being at first u loved him,u didn’t get wat u needed from him as aman n this is why u nolonger ve love for him.
so, take ur time u’ll get ur mr.right n once u meet him u’ll be hpy.
rgrds,
Hilda
October 7th, 2008 at 9:42 am
Hi….
Recently i met a girl, and with in a short period of time we became very close friends’ That girl is my friend’s sister, and i’ve even reletion ship with their family when i visited their home in the last summer, and now she proposed me, but i can’t make a decision why because from childhood onwards i dreamt that my partner should be very beautiful, but never think about love, this girl is not so beautiful.. but has tons and tons of love… i can’t accept because i’ve dreams for a different kind of girl at the same time i can’t reject her because she loves me so much and she is even ready to be a second wife… please help me…. what to do….
thanks®ards
tulasi
November 22nd, 2008 at 8:15 am
Hi, ADeola, I think you should make the decision by yourself. Your life is your future. You houldn’t marry because somebody else but you must do it my your own.
But you need to listen to the suggestion of many people also, so that you can make a right decision.
March 8th, 2009 at 8:15 pm
Am a young girl in my early twenties and have been in a relationship for four years now although we did break up for a little while. And after we got back together i had always suspected my boyfriend of cheating but wasn’t sure,my assumptions were based on the numerous calls he had from his so called friends(girls). late later last year on a faithful day i was just looking at pics on his fone and i saw pics of him and different girls having sex.at that point i was ready to end the relationship but after i made my mind to end the relationship with him he pleaded with me and i forgave him.Ever-since then all is been fine,latley av been praying to God,as i have been thinking i would wanna spend the rest of my life with him,while spending a weekend at his place i went through his pics on his laptop and i saw more videos of him having sex with one of his friend i knw thou don’t knw her physically,i was really upset and i wanted to break it off,but he apologised saying it was from last yr and he forgot to delete them completely.Now am confused cos am just tired of all can’t take no more plus the recent pics has opened healed wounds and it hurts more.Please can anyone tell me what to do cos i wanna end the relationship but it’s difficult for me cos i love him so much,again if i continue i don’t knw how to stop myself from hurting am thinking maybe do the same or ?am just totally confused………..someone say something plz.
March 14th, 2009 at 1:06 am
Leave him Stephaine! I guess it is hard to tell someone else what to do when I am not in their shoes and you and this man have a history. I personally don’t think I could stay with a man who slept with other women repeatedly. You only know because of the photo and video evidence. Who knows how many other women he might have slept with and how recently such things really took place.
March 18th, 2009 at 12:22 pm
Does anyone else have any experience with this?
May 22nd, 2009 at 6:19 am
i date a guy who love me so much but is not educated then i leave him b/c of this.and he is still disturbing me.but i hate him wen i remember he is illiterate and rude. now i date a boy ,he is in school he doen’t spend one naira for me instead i spend for him. he say he love me but he does not promise to marry me he only say lets move on to future will tell. im confused b/c i don’t have any boyfriend i love and hope on him to be my future husband.he mother and sisters know me and love me but nobody say anything about marriage. im thinking whether this guy will disapoint me tomorow. pls i need an advice.